Archive for March, 2010


All I did today is sleep, OMG what is wrong with me? One day I am up; the next day blah, I don’t think its depression, I just love to lay there and do nothing at all. Sheer laziness is what it is, no? This is my life, for some reason I just seem to give up on myself too often. The big question is what underlying deep belief is holding me back? Everyone keeps saying its my inner lack of worthiness. I just don’t get it, I think I am worthy of becoming “something”; I am worthy of having a fulfilling life; I am worthy of becoming wealthy & being happy, ain’t I? It has to be something burried deep down inside from my past but what is that? Hmmmmm, I just know that I hated my childhood because of my weight and being picked on in school. As kids picked on me, my self confidence deminished more and more. Then as I grew, I remember all I ever wanted was to find a guy to love me and have kids. Loving myself was never in that picture. I never felt worthy of love, simply because of my looks. I think I was looking for the love that lacked with my father and once I found someone I grasped him & didn’t let go. Well now he’s out of my life and that need for another’s love is gone. Now what I am searching for is My love for ME. I’m finding it, but it is a slow long journey. I always seem to take two steps forward & one step back.

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What do I want?

I need to put in writing what my goals for life are; so here I go…..Short term goals:
Lose 25 pounds and get healthier – By June 1st….2 months total
Lose another 25 pounds over the summer – By Sept. 1st….5 months total
That’s 50 pounds by my 47th birthday and that will make me the skinniest & healthiest in many many years (I’d guess 25 years or more)!!

I have decided that I want to help others with my DALFH and Hypnosis/NLP…..But I have not moved an inch toward that…..I keep saying that I don’t know many people who would be interested nor do I know anything about marketing myself and I hate sales people (therefore hate selling) and am not good at speaking the words just don’t come out. Therefore where am I…..I give up……This is big with me Cuz I ALWAYS have given up. I am TIRED of giving up on ME…..NO MORE…..I have gained confidence in my self this past year or so and I am much more worth “giving up on myself”. EXCUSES BE GONE!!!

Am I not worthy of making my life more meaningful for me and those around me by working toward something that is fulfilling to me and, at the same time, beneficial to others? Yes I am worthy of a fulfilling life!! But the economy sucks….but I don’t know how…..but what if it doesn’t work….what if what if…….I have to stop making excuses. I believe yet have some doubt that: If you are doing something that you love and that feels good inside, then you have to believe that the Universe/God will respond and all that I want will come true for you!

Wow I never realized how hard this is…..I did not realize how many limiting beliefs that reside in me that there really are. How do you find a limiting belief? Just think about something that has ticked you off recently or made you feel bad in some way. Hmmmmm….what if I haven’t been ticked off? Ain’t I lucky lol!!!!! Wow, this spiritual journey has really changed my life…..I am at peace, not too much really gets under my skin. If anything that is negative with me is the fact that financial freedom has not come yet, even tho I keep visualizing and feeling it. It is so hard to think wealth and all when the cash is not in your pocket!! You have to pretend & visualize (LOA says)…I am I am….where’s the $$$??!!!!! I know it’s coming. I just have to find what deep down inside me is keeping it from getting to me. It’s there waiting for me; the question is, what am I thinking deep down to keep it from happening??!!!! In a way, I think it’s just that I am confusing the Universe because I am not specific about what I want and when. I just know that I want financial freedom; able to enjoy life and do and buy whatever I want, whenever I want it and definitely help others to the max!!!! Yet that poverty-stricken mind-set of mine gets in the way and says…..geese I would be happy with just $10,000 to get out of debt. Then I say oh I just want $200 to help pay the rent; etc etc. But that’s not the truth…..I want to become very wealthy, so I can make a change for myself AND others. Then I say to myself….that’s greedy or selfish!! No it isn’t God/higher power wants the best for everyone; it’s my old confined, negative thoughts that are keeping good things from coming to me. I am keeping the wealth from coming; me myself & I… not God/higher power. Why am I writing this?? Well maybe I figure that the more I see it in writing and realize how I am sabatoging myself; the more I will figure out how to change those deep inner beliefs. Also maybe one person can benefit from my words and learn to change their life also….maybe faster and easier than I did!!
Hmmmmm…..I know I have to start meditating every day and really get into what my higher self is trying to tell me. I can do it!!! I need to stop making excuses; set the time aside & just do it!!!